Tuesday.

Today is an off day. I won't be able to get Cymbalta because it's too expensive so we are going to try something else. Cymbalta is an asshole for not letting people be happy because they can't afford it.

I can't wait for the rain to start and the snow to stop. I really love rain but really hate snow. Snow causes ice and crashes and falling and it just sucks. Rain makes puddles for me to jump in and that is great. It also makes great noise.

Utah's weather is so bipolar. Warm to rain to snow to sunshine in three hours. Chill out, weather. Just get warm and rain. That's fine with me.

I want a penguin. Just one, unless it gets lonely, and then two is fine. I'll turn my bathroom into a penguin playplace. I don't care that they stink or that they are loud or that they projectile poop. I just want one.

I'd settle for a sloth or panda bear. But it'd have to be a miniature panda because I'm not sure my house is big enough for a full-size panda bear and I don't even think those exist yet so I guess what I'm saying is, get on it, China.

Also, possibly a red panda. Or a kangaroo as long as it was a baby because big kangaroos can kick really hard.

Right now, I'd settle for a big ol' bucket of movie theater popcorn. But that's only a temporary fix, like putting chewed gum over a whole in the dam. I still want a penguin, I'd just stop talking about it for 20 minutes while I ate the popcorn.

Tuesday, right?

To this day.

This is incredible.

I wish we could put a stop to bullying. Okay, there are a lot of things I wish we could put a stop to, but bullying is absolutely on that list. I wasn't bullied in a physical way, but I had a few boys who liked to say mean things to me when I was young, and every single brutal thing they said has stuck with me. Like when you swallow gum - that shit hangs around.

Thanks to Erin for sharing this.

Oh, you know, just that DEPRESSION asshole again.

My depression medication trial ended yesterday. I didn't know it was over. But it explains why my depression and anxiety had been on a drastic incline - they were weaning me off of the medication. They asked me if I needed a prescription for a new medication and without hesitating, I told them yes.

This trial medication had been a saint. I've tried multiple pills and nothing has worked as well as it did. The side effects were so minimal and barely noticeable, and I was happy. Like, legitimately happy. Husband and I never fought, I never cried, I still wanted to have sex (a very well known side effect of A LOT of depression meds is a non-existent sex drive, which sucks), I wasn't anxious all the time... it's been a miracle worker in my life. And now? Now I have to wait between 1 and 8 years for it to hit the market.

They gave me a prescription for Cymbalta which I've never tried. The next few weeks may either be really good or really bad. If I stop posting, you know which.

I'm scared it won't work.

I'm scared of myself.

The last couple of weeks have been ugly. Anxiety causing anger causing fighting causing pain causing thoughts of dying, and it's my fault, and I know that, which makes it worse. It's a compounding issue that won't back off. I've given up on living the last couple of weeks. No thoughts of suicide, just not caring to live through the day. Daydreaming about getting hit by a train. That scares me. But no matter how hard I try to keep myself afloat, the depression is dragging me down.

So I start a new medication today. And cross my fingers it works. Because if it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I'm doing everything I can to boost myself - I'm making time for myself and doing things I love and working out, but nothing is helping.

People that say depression is made up or depression pills don't do anything? I hope one day they experience depression. Because it's easy to look at a situation from the outside and say it's all in someone's head. But trust me - if I had a surefire way to make this go away without taking a pill every day, I would make damn sure I did it. This is no way to live. It hurts with no reason. And it won't go away, no matter how hard I beg it to.

Just in case anyone out there needs it... 1-800-273-8255 (the National Suicide Prevention lifeline)

Photo dump Wednesday

This is me and my BFF Arianne rocking the hottest short-sleeved fake cheetah fur vests EVER.

I made a BLANKET, bitches! For real, my first time using a sewing machine. I read the manual on how to put the thread in and I went to town on that mofo. It's fucking adorable.

Serial killer Valentines! For real. These are the COOLEST. Check out non compos cards for more ridiculously awesome things. Seriously, go. Check it out. Buy her some fruit please.

Turbo. Lately he's been doing this thing where he lays down like this and completely plays dead. He doesn't move or blink or respond to his name. You can throw things at him and he barely flinches. Sometimes it lasts a few minutes, sometimes a few hours. The first time he did it, I almost took him to the vet. I really thought he was dying.

OVER THIS. Just plain OVER it. I hate snow and cold and winter because it's depressing (literally) and I can't take it anymore. If it snows again, you might not hear from me for awhile because they don't let you blog in the psych ward.

Monsters, Inc. out in 3D today!

Monsters, Inc. is easily one of my top three favorite Disney-Pixar movies. I remember seeing it for the first time and falling absolutely in love with Boo. I also remember how amazing it was when Sulley was out in the snow and his fur was blowing - my mind was blown. When I found out it was coming out in 3D, I was ecstatic! Unfortunately, I missed it in the theaters (sad, sad day for me) but thanks to the lovely people at Click Communications, I got a review copy of the Ultimate Collector's Edition 5-disc combo pack:

 

It was incredible in 2D. It's phenomenal in 3D. So awesome. Sulley's fur is ridiculous. Boo is just as deliriously happy in 3D and I forgot how much I love her giggle. And, there is a "3D" image on the front of the package. Punk thought that was pretty cool.

It also made me really anxious for Monsters University! I cannot wait to see that movie.

Monsters, Inc. is out today so go get it! It's a must-have for any movie collection.

**I was provided with a copy of this in exchange for providing my HONEST review. That's all.

What the hell is the Harlem Shake?

This is what lunch is like at work.

You know.

 

 This "holiday" makes me feel bad for men everywhere. Girls are freaking psycho. I love Valentine's day for one reason - free candy. The husband and I don't do anything. I don't expect flowers or chocolates or fancy dinners. But we're doing a Valentine party at work, complete with valentines and a decorated box competition. That's the part I like - the kid part. I'll never grow up.

Just another manic Monday.

Some people need to learn how to just shut their mouths. You all know the type of people I'm talking about - the ones that rant on a certain subject without making sure people in the conversation aren't a part of their rant. Especially when it happens two times in as many days. Shut your mouth.

Some people also need to learn how to be kind to others, and on a related note, some people need to learn to be thankful for others' kindness. It's not always easy to be kind.

Waking up at 5am is AWFUL. I have been doing it for 6 months now, and I'm still not used to it. I don't know if I can ever be used to it. But it's so worth the commute and the early end to my workday.

I started working out again last week, and it's great (well, kind of). I love being active, and I love doing Zumba. I don't necessarily like working out, but Zumba is actually a fun way to pass the time. Even though I had wobbly-leg all last week.

My anxiety has been through the roof for the last month or so, but oddly enough, I've actually been feeling good about myself. It's like, my meds are excelling in one area and seriously failing in the other. Makes no sense. But feeling good about myself has made me want to buy new clothes. So I have. Shopping with friends can be fun.

I got a sewing machine for Christmas and haven't used it yet. I bought some really cute fabrics to make myself a blanket. We'll see how it turns out. I am aiming to have it done before California so I can take it with me. And I haven't even started yet. And I'm a slacker. And I just want a blanket. So yah.

Today isn't such a bad Monday for me. Things are busy at work but not painful. The sun is shining. The snow stopped this morning. I have a job and a house and a family and enough food. Things are good.

Photo dump Wednesday

This is my face, if you didn't know. I make this face when you ask me to smile for a picture. Or when you say something mildly inappropriate. Or when you ask if I want to try your clam dip. (No euphemism there, kids.)

Melting snow + temperatures above freezing = a semi-happy Kendahl.

When I came to work, the temperature was right around 20ºF, and our humidity was super high. EVERYTHING looked like it was covered in this soft white fuzz. It was kind of awesome, and also kind of cold.

You better believe it.

Mason jar salads: a tutorial.

Okay, so these mason jar salads. I saw them on Pinterest and there are three million links around the internets so I really have no idea who to give credit to. So, yah. If you are the "inventor" of the mason jar salad - WAY TO GO! We're all very proud of you. Thanks for the inspiration.

Step 1: prep all of the crap you want. Here, we have jars (really, the only essential part), almonds, bacon bits, poppy seed dressing, peppercorn ranch dressing, chickpeas, black beans, carrots, green peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, red peppers, celery, and cucumbers. You can do whatever you want! [insert T.I. song here with the lyrics just changed so as to not infringe on copyright] You should START with the lettuce, as the dryer the lettuce is when it goes into the jars, the longer they will stay good. I usually buy a head (?) of romaine and chop it up real small, then rinse it.

The cast and crew.

Step 2: start the layering. ALWAYS start with the dressing, and don't overdo it! I use just enough to coat the bottom of the jar in a nice, even layer. The first batch I did had WAAAYYYY too much dressing. Then, add really crunchy/solid things that aren't going to get disgusting sitting in the dressing. For example: carrots, celery, nuts, beans, peppers... Anything touching the dressing will go soggy if it can, so plan this layer wisely. [see picture below] After you've got a sort of protection from the dressing, you can add your softer stuff, like mushrooms, cucumbers, tomatoes, craisins, etc.

It's all about order.

Step 3: add the lettuce. Make sure you have enough of a protective barrier from the dressing, because if your lettuce touches the dressing, IT WILL GET NAS-TAY! K?

Step 4: this is the last thing. Are you ready? If you liked it, then you shoulda put a lid on it! (again, changed just enough to avoid the copyright business) Put a lid on that bitch. It's that easy. I actually vacuum-seal mine after they are done. I don't know if that helps them stay good for longer, honestly. I just do it because I like the sound it makes when I break the seal.

See the light!

My last batch stayed good in the fridge for about 2 weeks. Well, they didn't ever go bad, that's just how long it took me to eat them all.

Notes/tips/suggestions:
*I tried to make pasta salad jars, and the pasta got a weird texture. I have a texture problem, though, so it might just be me.
*good things I've tried for the layer touching the dressing: carrots, celery, chickpeas, black beans, corn, soy beans, almonds, green peppers, red peppers, orange peppers
*good things I've tried for the layer NOT touching the dressing: mushrooms, olives, tomatoes, craisins, cucumbers (all of these things get soggy and are a shame on the family name if they are touching the dressing, I am not kidding, it is bad)

I am enamored with the concept of taking a healthy lunch out of the fridge, throwing it in my lunch bag, and  being on my way. I want to try doing a fruit salad in a jar. I also want to try to do one with maybe some grilled chicken, and also, quinoa (I don't even know what that is but it sounds healthy)! And spinach, so I can be like Popeye. And maybe some madarin oranges. I'm always looking for more options for my salads, so if you try this and find stuff that really works, or really doesn't, let me know!