Something is off. Whether it's the freaky-deaky moon, or Venus being a whore, or whatever; something is off.
I have depression. Technically, "major depressive disorder". I have been depressed my whole life. I didn't get help until I was 15, and it was almost too late. I am on a pretty good medication right now and the depression monster has been totally manageable since, like, October. But it's on the creep again. I can feel it and hear it and breath it, and it sucks. But at least I have my medication. So things aren't as bad as they could be.
There are a lot of people out there with depression, and with bad things happening in their lives, and they are attempting or committing suicide. People that are close to people in my life. And it needs to stop. NOW.
So this is my letter to you, universe. BACK THE FUCK OFF! People shouldn't be dying, and they sure as hell should not be dying on their own accord. So fix yourself and get your shit together because I'm officially angry at you! For making the tilt funky. For making everything seem darker than it really is. For making people believe they cannot take the pain anymore. For hurting the people they leave in their wake. It's NOT FAIR. And I'm sick of it!
I know what it's like to be that dark. To think I cannot take the pain anymore. To think it would be so much better for everyone here if I were to just disappear. But I survived through it. Barely, but I'm still here. And I want everyone out there to know, there is at least one person who would be crushed if you weren't here anymore. So please, reach out. Talk to someone. Tell them what you're going through. Because I can't take hearing about one more amazing person whose life was cut short. I just can't.
The national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
I'm not certified to help, but I am a great listener. I can also relate. My email: kendahl.a[at]gmail.com or kandrade84[at]hotmail.com
When I was 13 I was diagnosed with depression. I think more often than not young teens don't know how to handle their emotions and changes that are happening to their life. There were several times I thought about suicide and how I would proceed. One day my older brother, by only 2 years, had a discussion with me about how even though it would "possibly" end all my problems, suicide would only create mounds of issues for my family and those that I loved. He had depression as well. I can honestly say that my brother saved my life with that conversation. To this day, I have mixed emotions about suicide. One side, I (somewhat) understand what those individuals are going through. On the other side, I see how selfish that decision to end your own life is. I've seen first hand how difficult a suicide is for a family. A few years ago, my best friend lost her brother to suicide. There was so much anger and sadness brought to their family by his decision. I hope that he is in a better place he was completely miserable and had gotten deep into drugs during his short 26 years of life. I definitely don't know what it's like to be bi-polar and have to rely on medication to feel normal and well balanced, but I do understand that he felt that was the best choice. He felt that he was causing more heartache being alive, than dead. HE WAS WRONG.
ReplyDeleteI really hope that those suffering from depression know they can get help and life really does get better. Medication isn't for everyone, but there are other sources of help.
Amy, I really appreciate your comment and your openness! You are absolutely right - medication will not help everyone, and is not everyone's choice. There are many other options to get the help needed! I just hope anyone out there that needs help, will seek it out.
Deleteoh kendahl i am so sorry! i have people really close to me who suffer badly from depression and while i can't imagine how it feels i know how terrible it is to feel worthless in trying to help them. has talking to people helped you? i never know how to approach it...
ReplyDeleteJust let them know you are there if they want to talk, and let them know you care about them. It may not seem like it, but it really does help to know that someone would mind if you were gone.
DeleteYou and me babe! I hate it because I choose to not take anything when I'm pregnant or nursing, so the last 5 years have been a roller coaster. Take it, don't take it, take it, don't take it, too depressed to call the doctor to get back on, etc. But I've always thought it pathetically sad when people choose to kill themselves rather than drag themselves to the doctor to take a pill that would DRAMATICALLY change things. Pills aren't for everybody, but probably for most. Being on pills (off and on) since I was 14 has taught me to make sure my second thought (after "my life sucks") is "wait a minute, something in my brain is malfunctioning, time for some help."
ReplyDeleteThat's rough! I can tell a huge difference just from not taking my pill for a day. I am glad you recognize that it's the depression talking and not what's really going on. I still struggle with that when it gets really bad, but it's getting better.
DeleteI have alot of family who suffer from it pretty bad as well. My dad and younger brother the most, its hard to see them go through the struggles and always do what we can to help them out. My dad lost his father to depression when he was only 12 years old and its made my dads depression even worse at times because of it. I am here if you ever need to talk. I may not be the help you need but can always listen. Many times I get called in the middle of the night from my brother who needs to talk, if it helps its worth it to me because no matter how low someone might feel and think they are not wanted, they are wrong. Suicide affects more than those around you now but for years and years of generations. I have not had to deal with depression really for me but have major anxiety since my divorce and it runs my life alot of times. Hate not feeling in control much like depression they usually go hand in hand. Its been worse with Brandon working graveyards off and on or driving in freeway traffic especially with construction or far distances(weird I know). Seriously sucks... my heart races, light headed, dizzy, burning head, chest pain, numbness and an almost panic. Wish we could just erase all these unfriendly issues and live without worry and the stress from them.
ReplyDeleteThis is great post... I have depression too, and am on medication. Even so, I go through bad periods where things seem really dark and hopeless. And it's hard when people feel like you should just "snap out of it."
ReplyDeleteA friend in college committed suicide, and I always think that maybe I could have said something that would have kept him from doing it.
Kendahl, I really appreciate how honest you are. I struggle with a lot of similar things that you talk about, and while I don't know exactly what you're going through, I feel so much relief that someone maybe kind of understands.
I think it's so great how open you are about his and loved hearing your encouraging words. While I haven't been diagnosed I think I've been dealing with depression ever since my first miscarriage and it's really hard to shake some days.
ReplyDeleteLove you!