I don't think I ever anticipated that being a stepmom would be as hard as it is. When I met Husband, I knew he had a daughter and, obviously, the biological mom that comes along with the situation. And I knew that falling in love with him would make me an insta-mom. I knew it all. I gladly accepted the responsibilities because, well, I couldn't stand the thought of not being with Husband for my forever. People will say, "you knew what you were getting into," and yes I did, to an extent.
I don't think you can ever fully comprehend what it takes to be a mom until you are one, and I may be biased but I truly believe being a stepmom is harder. And it's hard to explain what I mean. I am not trying to say it is easy to be a mom, because it is most definitely not and I get that! What I am saying is that you take everything a mom has to do, and then combine that with having to do it from one step away (meaning you aren't 'their parent' and so what you feel and say comes second, always) and also not gaining the bond that comes from being a parent and having a child. No matter what anyone tells you, the bond between a step-parent and step-child is not the same as the bond between a parent and their child. The way Punk interacts with Husband and RealMom is totally different than the way she interacts with me, and I'm sure as she does with her stepdad. I will always be 'Stepmom'. It will always be just a little different with me than it is with RealMom. I get it and I can't blame her or RealMom or anyone; that's just the way it is.
But it's HARD. Really hard. To spend a weekend giving everything I've got emotionally to a child that is ecstatic to leave me on Sunday is sometimes more than I can handle. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, or I'm not caring enough, or I am just plain not enough. And it's probably just my mind telling me that but I can't help it. I over-criticize every decision and every thought and every action because if I am not the perfect parent, I'll end up in the 'wicked stepmother' category, and it's all I can do to not just give up. Why try if you're going to be looked at negatively anyway?
Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to be a never-ending uphill battle for stepparents? It seems like the universe is all anti-stepparent or something.
I've never envied those who take on the step-parent role. It's totally hard.
ReplyDeleteI loved my stepmom...until she went psycho and left my dad for a guy on the internet in a different country.
ReplyDeleteThere are bad apples in every bushel
She may not have gone "psycho". As a fairly new stepmom, I'm not really supported in my role, I'm called disrespectful if I try to do anything to get these two stepsons of mine to not be lazy sloths, and I'm also everyone's dead last priority. Despite being the one to do more picking up, more cooking, and having to deal with the most disrupted life. There are many days that I have wanted to run away from this because I know not much will ever change until they are out of the house. It's very hard
DeleteAs a fairly new stepmom (that didn't really sign up for this since my husband's ex and kids were many states away up until recently), I can say that it's very hard. And there are many days I just want to run away to my life as it was. I have made the most changes to my life, and now care (cook, clean) for 2 stepsons (who are very lazy and messy), and yet I am last priority and totally unappreciated. Making it worse is a general lack of support by my husband when I try to instill just a little discipline in these boys lives. I don't know that your step mom went "pyscho", so much as she may have decided that she was in a no win situation. I feel like that more often than not.
DeleteMy mom was step-mom to my brother and sister and it was/is an impossible battle for her. I know exactly what you mean and I completely agree. I see how they treated my mom who gave up everything for them and they never appreciated it. Now that my parents are divorced, I can see it from their side too. It's impossibly painful and difficult for everyone involved. My prayers are with you. I don't think there's an answer. I hope you are able to have your own children someday if you want them!
ReplyDeleteI have never heard a step mother's side of parenting before. It does sound really hard. I think that you are a great mom and I hope one day Punk gives you more credit.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. For me the hardest is when he asks or talks about his mom... I don't have a problem with her, but a part of me wishes it was me. But adding to that I like to think of being a stepmom is a little different/more special than being the real thing. What I mean is that... you don't have to be the mother or father figure... but you are still choosing to do so. When Punk is older, I'm sure she will appreciate every moment she has spent with you.
ReplyDeleteI am also the daughter of a stepfather... but he was the only father I know (I know this is different) BUT... I also know that he's the father he didn't have to be.
I have always said that the best people in the world are the ones who can take on their spouse/mate's children as their own. You are amazing for doing what you do. You are going to be the one she goes to when she's a teenager whith all of her problems because she is not going to want to talk to her real mom, beleive me. Hope things look up soon, love ya!
ReplyDeleteboo. i'm sorry. i am sure it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI agree I always worry my step daughter(s) will see me as the wicked stepmother'too.. and many times I feel like I want to give up.
ReplyDelete"Why try if you're going to be looked at negatively anyway?"
I think about that every day she is here. Her mom pushes her away from me even more.
Her mom tells her things to make me & her father look bad. We go to court Thurs. over dumb things and step daughter knows all the details and is in the middle of it all. completely unappropriated I think. Her mom
doesn't care.
We deal with 3 ex's all the time. Its extremely difficult when all are against you.
My step-daughter has always told her dad she hates me etc. and I have never given her any kind of reason to even feel that way.
The week I lost the baby she changed. She let herself "like" me, and decided it on her own. You could she in her eyes she knew I was hurting and she hugged me and checked on me all day. Since then she has been an extremely different child to me, she tells me how much she loves me, how happy she is to be here with me and gives me a hug before she leaves or before bedtime (completely unheard of before)
She has a completely different attitude towards me. Its sad it took losing a child for my step daughter to come to realize on her own that I was not so bad after all. Just hoping it lasts. Being a step parent is definitely just as hard, if not harder than raising your own children.
All we can do it hope for the best and love them and someday they will see the real you
regardless what is said around them.
I completely understand what you are going through! I have a stepson that just turned 6 and a stepdaughter that is 2 1/2. I have been a part of my stepdaughter's life since she was a baby. We are very close and do have a special bond. However, with my stepson, we are close and spend a lot of time together...but it is totally different. Some days it is a real struggle. Up until a few months ago, they lived with us full time. Now, we see them for 3 weeks straight every 6 weeks. And during the 6 weeks, every other weekend. I completely agree that being a stepmom is a lot harder than being a biological mom.
ReplyDeleteHi, I stumbled on your blog and I am so grateful that I did. This post just resonates with me so much I am 23 and my husband has a 4 year old son, who has been in my life since he was 2. His mom is still in the picture and sometimes it is just HARD we have him 50% of the time and I sacrafice so much and feel so alone sometimes. Most people don't know what this life is like, its so isolating!! I appreciate your blog it helps me feel less alone and more understood. Keep blogging! :)
ReplyDeletewell my husband and I have been together since one of my step sons was born he is now 8. Him and his brother 13 [to another mother) have just moved in with us (in another county) we also have another son 18mth together. Every day I find it soo hard, I try not to hate him (8) but everything he does annoyes me so much and he picks on my son. I think I treat him well but he shows me nothing in return. His mother hates me and blames me for the break up which is not true and has told him his whole life that i'm the evil one. To make matters worse my husband is always away with work. His mother almost seems like she doesn't care, often we don't hear from her for a month but when she does talk to him she constantly asks if he wants to come home to which he replies no. so I must be doing something right! I believe being a step mother is so hard specially if the real mother feeds their small minds with horrible things. Oh but on the other hand the 13 is great we get on really well and his mother actually talks to me now which makes things easier. I guess the difference its in the up bringing and their mothers.
ReplyDeleteIam in the same boat. I have been with my husband for 3yrs and married for one. i met his son when he was 6 and i had.no problem with being the girlfriend who buys him things and hangs out from time.to time. Well my husband went to the navy. Long story short, my husband got deployed for 7 months, and it was me and my stepson. On top of that, i was 8wks pregnant when he got shipped out. so im.left growing a baby,raising his son, dealing with his baby mamma AND with disrespectful in-laws! Im 8 months now and he will be back home tonight sometime. Everything he does annoys me, i just want him to leave me alone. he is very sweet but i think with his babymamma threatening me, constantly telling him he's coming home with her, and not doing a damn thing for him since weve been back in our hometown, but now wants to be supermom for the holidays, im get uncomfortable in my pregnant body and just FED UP. i was so stressed at one point i thought i might lose my baby. this kid has a horrible attitude, a liar, and just down right annoying! he is 9 now. and yes this is hard. and i dont know yet, but im sure being a Real mom is easier than this! im just glad his dad, my husband will be back soon because i have just checked OUT. He is a really nice kid when he is not in trouble. but im glad that someone.understands. i havent been able to express my anger to anyone...
Deletebeing a step mom is super hard! it is one of the hardest things to deal with!!! I say harder than death because at least when someone dies, you mourn and move on. But with being a step mom the child is always there!I am a normal parent, i dont like disrespect, do what i ask of you, and we can have fun. I take the kidz to the beach, fairs, musuems, i drive everyone everywhere because my husband cant drive. But i feel like i am not appreciated!!!! i am pregnant, and i feel that things are either get worse, or they might even get better. The point is there is a difference between children, my daughter she has a different dad, but my husband (now) has raised her so she considers him her dad. On the other hand i have my step son who 11, he only comes on the weekends, by weekend i mean every freaking weekend. So i have noticed that during the week my family is fine, when the weekend comes the stepson aka little turd! ignores me like i dont exist!!! i do everything for this family i wash his clothes, feed him, i also contribute money to ""Our family activities such as: movie theater, soccer games etc""i feel guilty when i go the store to buy y daughter some clothes, i remember how his clothes are hideous, so i end up buying him clothes too. But yet he asks his dad everything.From What is in the food? Can i have a soda? i don't want to take a shower! turn off the air dad i'm cold!!!
ReplyDeleteThis drives me insane,i tell my hubby this and he thinks i am exagerrating and if it does happen oh! well! my son came before you did!
I get to the point that i want to have my other daughter that i am pregannt with and just telling him to leave my apartment.Most of the stuff is mine anyways. But i feel like no one cares how i feel etc. The truck i bought it !!!! yet he has the nerve to do what he pleases because its his dads car!!!! I am fustrated!!!!!!!I'm not evil but they make me mad!!!!!!
You just said everything I have always felt. Finally....somebody who gets it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI camw on here to see if i am crazy for feeling the way i do. I have a 15 year old step daughter who is so disrespectful to me. She only talks to me when i speak to her. She has tried some bad stuff drugs, alcohol,sex all at 13 years old. I get very upset cause i dont apporve and have 2 of my own children that i focus on setting good examples in their lives and my husband gets upset but never gives her consequences for her choices and because i say something about it I am the bad guy. Its so frustrating, and i dont know what to do. but she is the only thing my husband and i fight over. what should i do, i am ready to give up on my marriage to protect my children and raise them right.
ReplyDeleteFirst - you are not crazy. It's incredibly hard to be a stepparent. Add to that the stress of fighting with your husband and trying to raise your two kids and it can be overwhelming, for sure. You should really sit down with your husband and explain how you are feeling, and let him know that something has got to change. When my husband and I were first together, he had a really hard time disciplining SD because he was worried she would hate him. I had to step in and be the bad guy for awhile and he finally understood that there could be discipline without her hating us. You need to let him know you are at your wit's end and discuss what needs to be done so that your relationship doesn't suffer. It's hard enough to deal with a teenager, but adding in parents not getting along or agreeing on discipline... you're basically handing your SD the reins to your relationship, and that's not healthy.
Deletei feel sad/hopeless/unapreciated today... then i read your post... i am not alone... this helps... thanks!
ReplyDeleteI agree. Your post helps. I think their real mom is a huge influence over how they will see you and kids are smart enough to rralize if their parent doesnt want the step parent to be seen as important. If so I think they pull away or go fhrough moments I have a son from a previoua marriage whom I raised by myself in the middlenof divorce ao I dealt with a very depressing time raising a child as a full time mom and full time employee ans YET... being a step mpm is harder. But we never stop trying right? We should be proud of ourselves. We are definitely better people for it :).
ReplyDeleteI am relieved that this forum has been posted because with being a step parent you have to sometimes hold your tongue for the bio parents. ( i have found that giving your opinion when the bio parents are not ready will turn bad real fast..) i dont care for the fighting and dont really understand why there are fights (arguments) with the bio parents and the child/children are already here..There shouldbe very little room for that because being either bio or step your work is never done.The children you fall in love with and desire to have a healthy relationship but that also place things on you because we know as stepparents some of what we are to take on, but being in a new marriage you dont desire to constantly dealnwith the past negativity..I am sure if things worked out with the bio parents there would not be steparents...RIGHT? So..with a new change makenthe situation comfortable for everyone dont be surrly because of something that was done in the past..the past is whait is.its gone...start over fresh and get along ...because it does take a villge to raise a child....stay prayed up ladies learn to ignore negative comments..., as long as your heart is right you are ok...have a blessed day...
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. My partner has two children, and the issue is not with them as i adore them both, but i feel so insecure, jealous, and resentful sometimes that it does my head in. You sit by and watch the unconditional love they give my partner and vice versa and ache for some of it to passed on your way. Its no-ones fault, its the situation but sometimes you feel surplus to requirements.
ReplyDeleteA lot of stepparents will not admit that they feel jealousy or envy or insecurity, so good on you for recognizing that. I still struggle occasionally with the jealous feelings, although much less now than at first. I'm glad you recognize it's not anyone's fault, especially yours! The situation breeds hard feelings that you just have to come to terms with, because although it gets less harsh the longer time goes, it's never completely gone. I know I'll never have the connection with my stepdaughter that she has with her mom or dad, and I have to be okay with it. Sometimes it's really damn hard though, to not let it get to you! Good luck. :)
DeleteI so relate to this post! How do we cope in a healthy way? I want to be a good person and parent, but sometimes i am driven to tears in frustration.....
ReplyDelete