Bonus points if you where the title is loosely based from. [hint: it's a song]
Be forewarned that I have a little [okay, big] rant. I need to get it out and this is the best outlet because the only thing I could possibly hit is the computer screen, no "real mom" around to take it in the teeth [hypothetically speaking, of course; hitting someone in the teeth is painful. For me.] I've been hashing this conversation out in my mind for years and I don't think I will ever have it, but I'm completely prepared, just in case.
Dear "real mom",
Why do I have to deal with the aftermath of you being a bad mother? It's not my fault that you would rather spend time drinking or going to the bar than hanging out with Punk. Why do you feel like you have to ruin any time I get to spend with her by telling her mean things about me? Or by making sure she's 100% clear that I am NOT her 'family'? If your new husband is her family, why am I not? Is it just because you don't like me? Can't you let her decide for herself? I shouldn't have to sit back and be punished because you are scared she'll like me more than you. NEWS FLASH! You're her mom and you always will be. You could do almost anything and she will still love you because you are her MOM, plain and simple. As much as I hate calling you her 'mom', because almost nothing you do could qualify you for that title, that's what you are. I don't get that luxury! I have to start from 0 every weekend we have her! I HAVE to take her to do fun things, I HAVE to give her things she wants, or I'm automatically looked at like I'm mean. I get to drop down to evil stepmother status every time I tell her she needs to clean her room or ask her to actually do something around the house. And why? I don't know.
To anyone that knows me, it's not a secret that I didn't really ever want kids. I came into this situation totally unprepared for being a mom. And I'm doing the best I can! I have very little patience and I get annoyed when she flat-out ignores that I'm talking to her. But I'm working on it! In the meantime, could you stop telling her that she doesn't have to listen to her dad or me? Could you actually discipline her once in awhile? I know it takes away from your time drinking your "mom's Kool-Aid" but it would make things run a lot smoother in the rest of life. It's so hard having her come down here to a house where we require that she helps out, and we require that she not steal, or we get mad at her when she cheats on a test [thanks for passing those lovely habits on, by the way], because at your house nothing ever happens. I guess it's hard to tell her not to cheat when you're cheating on your husband, huh? Still, what kind of woman do you want her to be? Because if you don't start disciplining now, and you keep letting her get away with things like that, what type of person do you think she's going to be in ten years? We are doing all we can when she is with us, but since you've got us beat 5 days to our 2, I think you win.
If you really don't plan to let her do what she wants, stop telling her she can decide. You tell her she can stay at your house if she doesn't want to come to ours, but when she calls to ask if she can stay one more night at our house? Absolutely not. She's 8! Plenty old enough to decide on her own if she wants her hair long or short. Old enough to dress herself in the morning. Old enough to get her own cereal. But will you let her? NOPE! Does that make you feel like a good mom? Because all it's doing is inhibiting her ability to make her own decisions. You know what will happen when she's in High School and can't decide things for herself? She gets into a lot of trouble. Let her decide on her own! It's good for her development as a person.
Just because you don't spend time with her, does not mean that you shouldn't let her spend time with us. Why would you rather she spend the day at a babysitter's than come with me to an event where she will learn and grow as a person, where she will actually be out and exercising and playing? It doesn't interfere with your day at all, so why can't I take her? Is it really that you just don't want her to have fun with me?
GIVE IT UP! I'm tired of putting so much effort out just to be shut down because of your insecurities. If you aren't going to be a mom, could you just step aside and let me be one?
oh dear i feel your frustration,parenting is hard enough without added complications.what can i say.....i hope you can feel the cyber hug i'm sending your way:)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this!
ReplyDeleteThis blows. Really, I don't know how you do it! Sorry friend!
ReplyDeleteMan, that's a rough situation, and the sad thing is you're not the only one dealing with it. I'm sorry I can't offer any helpful tips or tidbits. You're definitely more experienced here than I am.
ReplyDeleteBoo! We hate real mom! This is such a crappy situation and I'm sorry you have to go through it. If it makes you feel better, I KNOW Turbo-Urbo thinks you're the best kitty mom ever :)
ReplyDeleteI really hope writing this helped you, somehow. Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry little lady!
ReplyDeleteYou rant as much as you need to! It helps to get it out there. When all is said and done, your rules and guidelines are doing much better for her. I'm sorry you're made to feel like the bad guy in the situation.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, one of my friends growing up was in the same situation as Punk. Her mom really wasn't a good influence on her, but her Dad married a wonderful woman who technically was her stepmom, but in reality, she really became her true mom. Real mom might have given birth to Punk, but you're being the true mom by teaching her good values, and how to live a fun healthy life. Keep it up, you're doing great!
ReplyDeleteI think the girl is young enough where you and your husband disciplining her won't make her hate you forever. I'm sure as she gets older, she will see her mother for who she is and will make the right decisions when she is old enough to make her own decisions.
ReplyDeleteWOW...are you sure you aren't living in my shoes!
ReplyDeleteOh how I know EXACTLY how you feel. Good luck is all I can say. Real moms can be so hard to deal with specially if their way of life is so different than yours. I have to deal with two of them...(real moms, but only one of the step-daughters that hate me) Its surely a challenge when they are out to make you look bad to the child regardless. life is interesting isn't it! I also have 3 children of my own, and we have to deal with both sides, it can be a challenge to raise children with so many different life styles. Good luck!
Wow, glad you are an expert now in the children department now that you are a so-called stepmom. How do you know that the real mom is putting that stuff into Punk's head? Oh wait, you don't, you just say that because she isn't compliant with your demands. Did you ever realize she wouldn't be the first 8 year old child to decide to not listen to a step-parent? Seems you just want to blame real mom for all the issues, when in fact you dont even know that it is her. NEWS FLASH!!! Not all adolescents are perfectly well-behaved all the time. Its clear you dont know this because you arent a "real parent". Why don't you leave the parenting up to the REAL parents because its obvious you suck at it by trying to place blame everywhere else.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I love this and I need more of it!
ReplyDelete